I’m Baaaaaack!

My goodness, it has been awhile since I had last posted to this blog. My sincerest apologies for that. However, now that I am back I’m hoping that my mental health allows for my motivation to stay in check. My plan is post something on this blog once a week.

A lot has happened in the years leading up to this post. I have since found a much better job that pays halfway decently AND it gives me benefits! Last year I was engaged, but that whole thing fell through. My to-be wedding date is coming up, this October the 1st and I honestly feel a little weird about it. Is it normal to feel weird about that? I mean, I am not upset that I am not getting married to the guy anymore, but sometimes I think I mourn the concept. I was once almost going to be married. That whole thing. But ANYWAYS, the plan for that specific day is to make a new memory. My boyfriend (yes, I am seeing someone and he is completely wonderful) and I are going to take a weekend road trip…somewhere…and replace my once to be wedding date with a much better memory. It’s a brilliant idea.

My adventures in the quest to improve my mental health has been one seriously fucked up roller-coaster. From the first time I was seen by a psychiatrist at sixteen to current times at twenty-nine, I’ve been diagnosed with everything from Depression to Depression with Psychotic Features, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar 1, Bipolar 1 with Psychotic Features and now the new diagnosis my therapist has for me is Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder (basically that means I have schizophrenia along with a mood disorder like bipolar or depression). And the cherry on top is that I might also have OCD. Good god that is a mouthful.

I’m frustrated because while yes, my psychiatrist is treating my symptoms, which is important, I really want to know the name of my demon(s).

Most of the time, like 95% of the time I feel as though my mind is a perpetual Wonderland, a landscape of untamed fantastical wilderness and I am Alice falling down the rabbit hole forever. I wonder where I will end up. I’m not going to lie, but the diagnosis of schizophrenia or somewhere in that spectrum makes a hell of a lot of sense. And I haven’t been the only one to have noticed either. Two of my close friends have confided in me that they suspected this all along. Naturally I am on the fence in regards to how I feel about all this. On one hand I am afraid. Afraid of how people might treat me going forward, whether I could possibly lose my job and all that jazz. But, this fear was smoothed over when my boyfriend told me that he loves me for me, and that a diagnosis, whatever it may be, will not change that. Several of my friends and family members have also told me that this doesn’t change how they feel or relate to me.

I’m smiling right now, I feel safe and accepted. Like I can be myself.

First comes the fear and then comes the understanding. On the flip side I feel like dancing because I finally have a diagnosis that seems to make sense to me. After years of partial revelations, I feel as though my therapist actually hit the nail on the head.

 

Thank you for reading my come back post! I hope to see you all around her more often.

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2 thoughts on “I’m Baaaaaack!

  1. I think making a new memory is a brilliant idea! I also think it’s totally okay to feel weird about the date, but you know me. I will always rally and support ALL feelings, because feels are important yo.

    I think you were immersed in the concept of marriage. Lord knows plenty of people been there before, because it’s very idealized by our society. There’s nothing wrong with being married obviously, but you want to make sure it’s with someone who will nurture, support, and understand you.

    I also don’t think you should beat yourself up for not updating often. Mental health issues do a brutal job of that already. It’s a lesson I need to learn myself since I push and push myself to the limit trying to do all the things. I know it’s because I want to “prove myself” to some amorphous and ubiquitous opinion that constantly changes and is impossible to appease. Blogging should fulfill and enrich you, and what you have to share with the world matters. Plus everyone knows that the best things take time to craft 😊

  2. I do think I idealized the concept of marriage. I think I was blinded to the fact that we had issues, the ex fiance and I. However, I am glad we didn’t go through with it, just for the sake of getting married. The magic would have worn off and we would probably have ended in divorce.

    As far as updating goes, I’m going to aim for once a week as I get back on my blogger feet. It’s hard though with my mental state at times. There are days where I don’t want to do anything other than hide under a blanket and weep. But I’m going to push myself. I already made a new post. Yay!

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