My Predetermined Suicide

“A pill to make you numb, a pill to make you dumb…
A pill to make you anybody else…
But all the drugs in this world won’t save her from herself…”

I was flipping through my burn book this afternoon with my boyfriend. I’ve never come that close to sharing the contents of this book with anyone. No one has ever read my black book before. You here on the internet are the only ones I have shared anything with in regards to that. However, in the interest of trust in the relationship between boyfriend and I, I want to show him the entire journal. But its so hard! In the past I considered burning the damn things, hence the title burn book. But, I can’t. Its like one of my horcruxes. It’s a part of me and if I destroy it I’ll be destroying what has come to define me, my past and my madness.

So in short, I haven’t shown boyfriend everything of the book’s entirety just yet, that’s something I’m not ready to do at this point in time. Even though I want to, the thought makes me panic because there is that air of uncertainty. What is he going to think? Will it help him understand me or will I just make him sad? I don’t want to make him sad or upset.

I found another poem in the burn book that I wrote back in July of 2005. It may sound completely cheesy now, but at the time it expressed my concrete desire to kill myself, but it also radiated that sense of apprehension. However, at the time I sincerely believed that I would die by suicide, that was how the light was going to go out. I thought it was fate. Enjoy the poem and thank you for reading everyone.

burnbookpoem1

Do you like my demon dragon?

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2 thoughts on “My Predetermined Suicide

  1. I think what some people fail to understand about suicidal thoughts is that sometimes they’re not irrational. Sometimes they make the most sense. You don’t feel like things will ever get better and/or you feel/know that even if they do, it’s just temporary. Or you despair that the world is just terrible and no light can seem to seep through the cracks. You realize that knowledge will never combat people who choose to remain ignorant, and it just depresses you more.

    Be that as it may, I’m glad you’re still here and I know your BF is happy as well 🙂

  2. At the time, suicide was the most rational answer to my issues at the time. I first experienced what I now know to be depression around eight years old, but I hadn’t contemplated suicide until I was about fifteen. I’m very happy I didn’t go through with it, even those I was so close at times. During those times, my self destructive behaviors were just as bad as my suicide idealizations. Refusing to eat for days, or eating very little, binge drinking and chain smoking were all attempts to “escape” I guess.

    When you’re that deep in the pit, the way up and out seems like an impossible feat, and the easiest way to escape is to let the darkness take you. But there is hope, many have recovered and now live better lives than ever could have been imagined during the throes of an episode. Yes, there is still struggle, but having a life to live is worth it. 🙂

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