Beyond Our Control

I almost cut myself today.

It was my first day back at work after being on vacation for a whole week with boyfriend. So if you were wondering why I hadn’t posted last week that was why. Today started off alright, but then a thought crept into my head and burrowed its way into my personal knot of paranoia and anxiety. It nested there until it grew too large for me to ignore. The thought screamed at me until I paid attention to it. Within moments I broke down and acknowledged my fear, it was so loud I found it impossible not to.

That set the mood for the rest of the day, unfortunately. Have you ever felt so anxious that you couldn’t stop shaking, you can’t breath and you forget how to swallow? That was me all morning leading up to the afternoon. I ended up not eating anything other than a Special K chocolate protein shake. I still don’t feel hungry, but then again stress will do that to you.

My boyfriend is currently talking me down via text message since he lives in Maryland. I can’t imagine how he deals with me. I guess love truly does conquer all. But I can’t help but feel horribly guilty for how I feel. I don’t want to feel this way, at all. Its awful!

In other news, I keep seeing people in my room at night. They won’t let me sleep, they talk to me (asking me to play games in the middle of the night) and scare me awake (I saw a young boy with shark teeth rush my side of the bed from the corner of the closet). I don’t know what to do about this, am I going mad? I see my psychiatrist again tonight so I’m going to bring all this up to him. The paranoia, the anxiety, the depression, seeing people in my room at night, and finally the cutting. I haven’t cut myself in so very long, I am afraid to have a relapse.

This is going to be a long post tonight, and for that I somewhat apologize (unless you guys enjoy longer posts). I wrote a poem based off a dream that I had and I wanted to share it will you all. The poem is also an illustration of myself in some regards and if I remember correctly, it highlighted a separation that I experienced. I wrote this poem with heavy imagery in mind, chronicling a journey between two people through fantasy and chaos. I hope you enjoy it. It is a long poem, but worth every line.

Beyond Our Control

We succumbed to the darkness and vanished
Our journey led us through serpentine valleys
In search of a muse

We passed beyond the scattered purple mantels
Of stars dressed in yellow and silver
You and I were like spiders weaving a canvas in the sky

It was then that I heard a cat singing an ancient lullaby
Her face was of nine and forever memories
Each etching their names into the wall

Her ninth name was Androgyny
It took an act of faith to pull aside reality
Revealing the road to the other place

I realized by now our eyes could no longer see
They had witnessed the beyond and the hidden
Every secret lay overturned in the river

Our souls traveled through dusky mountains
Beneath the misconceptions of human existence
And emerged as perfection

We took our rest at the crossroads of the world
And watched as a white stallion galloped away in silence
An entourage of diamonds followed in his wake

Silver eyes communicated with mine
Concerning tales of blue and forgotten places
I found myself weeping for long lost innocence

As the moon arose we gathered our strength
And walked hand in hand
Upside down over chaos

From the sky fell the blood of a fallen star
You offered me the last glimmering drop
And I knew nothing would stop us now

Dancing through the night above sunrise
We found a path among the voices of dawn
Resurrecting a purpose within ourselves

You planted a golden flower in my hair
And together we brought back the sun
Pulling her across the sky by her eyelashes

Then we fell from the edge of daybreak
Plunging into a realm lost under the moon
An oozing orb of pitch, heavy darkness

There were children trapped in cradles of tar
Screaming and sobbing
Entangled in fear and crowned in shadow

We fled, skittering across skies and stones
But were overcome by the daughters of death
Their prophecy burned joy from your eyes

The coldness of their truth summoned a storm
We lay together twisted with confusion and despair
Before the Mother swallowed us whole

We were born into a secluded paradise
Where I saw a virgin clipping her toenails in a tree
They fell to the ground like golden crescent moons

Her body glimmered gold and pale, a lantern
As she danced naked on the bough
Her warm voice encompassed our hearts

Our lips spoke with colors
And we traced fireworks in the sky
Until we fell asleep, making love in our dreams

Purple, the color of our passion
As you kissed the stars upon my breast
And held me tight against your heart

Sapphire pink, a most exquisite shade
Made us forget that we floated in a dream
Our certainty was our downfall

The stars fell from my bosom like rain
And I recalled a memory of the past
Of a man preaching within an inverted garden

The words he spoke were garbled
Yet I heard him clearly brand me with his words
Falsely accused of slaying the wolf within my heart

It was not I who harmed the beast
I had seen the shadow that stood over him in the water
Holding a poisoned arrow to his paw

I pulled my wolf from the silent waters
And drew him close as his flesh turned to ash
He slipped away into the sand between my sandals

Lost, I crossed the dark waters in contemplation
And submersed my sorrows to the ruin of old souls
Placing stones into my pockets

Before the gathering clouds of dusk
The tree of life enveloped the waves
And there you sat among the branches

You pointed with a withered hand the shoreline
I turned and saw a scarlet girl, arms outstretched
She held in her hands a sparkling cloth

A thousand trinkets were hidden in its fold
Or a thousand gods
In her silence she left the offerings amidst the sand

Winter descended between us
And the waters in which I stood splintered with ice
I was trapped within your raw discontent

You stood above me on the ice
And our eyes met for the very last time
My vision cast in silver, my heart grew cold

From the deep I heard the melodies of isolation
Whispering tales of the cloistered soul
And so I shut my eyes and allowed the darkness to take me

I became a stone; immortal and unfeeling
Guarded against the memories of love
But my sleep was disrupted by the sound of tears

A rose bush was weeping
Her hues of blush and pink stained petal and thorn
And then I noticed a woman stood within the briar

Her eyes were bleeding
Digging trenches in her cheeks
I watched as her heart waged war against her judgment

There was an animal cowering behind her lashes
Clawing at the corners of her mind
Biting and fighting against a shared nightmare

I drew deeper into her eyes and saw that she was the animal
A girl wasting away into madness
Molding into the structures of her cage, bones to bars

I realized she was I and I was she
And so my heart shuddered
Splitting the casement of stone

The clocks spun backwards, dragons cried into the stars
Fire and water drew down the cosmos
Heart and mind forged together as one once more

I was a flower forced to bloom
Out of darkness when love fell from my fingertips
And my eyes were blind to all but shades of silver

The blood I smeared upon my face was a statement to the universe
That while I understood my heart and mind to be mine
The destinies of man are beyond our control

3 thoughts on “Beyond Our Control

  1. We’re currently talking as I’m replying to this. That poem was such beautiful sorrow. You have such a lovely way with imagery. It painted a surreal landscape of the need for escape in the mire of despair 😦 Sorrow is so beautiful, but I suppose I’m a Goth and either have to say that or have learned to see the beauty in the rue.

    1. I’m sorry it took me so long to reply to you! I’m tickled that you loved the poem so much, its one of my favorites of all time! I agree, sorrow can be so achingly beautiful. I’m Scottish/Irish, I would know. And by that I mean most Scottish/Irish tunes are composed of sorrow and loneliness, they have those ever present themes in most of their ballads. It’s very true that you write what you know.

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