The Queen of Psychosis

I’ve decided to switch psychiatrists. A couple months ago I had a severe reaction┬áto Lamictal, the medication I was taking for my presumed bipolar disorder. And now that I am nearly healed (still dealing with skin peeling and red blotching), he wants to PUT ME BACK ON IT. Besides risking having a relapse with another potentially fatal rash, he doesn’t listen to me when I bring up any symptoms and dismisses everything that doesn’t “fit” into the diagnosis that he already gave me, which is Bipolar 1 with Psychotic Features.

Psychotic I get, I’m like the queen of psychosis. Well, not really…but it feels that way.

So I am going to call the new doctor this Monday since they are accepting new patients. I wrote down all my symptoms because when I’m under pressure I get flustered and forget things easily. I can share some of them with you all, but not all…just because some are personal. Before I begin, in a nutshell I don’t believe that I am bipolar and this has been confirmed by others who are very close to me. There is something else going on here. Is it BPD? Or is it something completely different? Hopefully the doctor will provide me some answers.

  1. Sign posts are sentient beings out to get me. A couple of times I see them uproot and lean in towards my car, trying to smash the windshield. It’s terrifying.
  2. I hear the voices of friends and relatives telling me terrible things. Sometimes its voices I don’t recognize. Once I heard a man with an Australian accent narrating my progress at work. It was strange.
  3. Things can seem odd to me. Colors in my environment can become neon bright, I can feel words stumbling out of my mouth like blocks, and people’s faces look like lava lamps.
  4. Sometimes I space out so badly I forget how to read, move or speak.
  5. If I sit/stand to close to someone or touch them they can then read my mind.

That’s all I am going to relay to you guys at the moment. I have my suspicions as to what it MAY be, but I could be way off. Just wish me luck come Monday, hopefully I can make an appointment.

 

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I’m Baaaaaack!

My goodness, it has been awhile since I had last posted to this blog. My sincerest apologies for that. However, now that I am back I’m hoping that my mental health allows for my motivation to stay in check. My plan is post something on this blog once a week.

A lot has happened in the years leading up to this post. I have since found a much better job that pays halfway decently AND it gives me benefits! Last year I was engaged, but that whole thing fell through. My to-be wedding date is coming up, this October the 1st and I honestly feel a little weird about it. Is it normal to feel weird about that? I mean, I am not upset that I am not getting married to the guy anymore, but sometimes I think I mourn the concept. I was once almost going to be married. That whole thing. But ANYWAYS, the plan for that specific day is to make a new memory. My boyfriend (yes, I am seeing someone and he is completely wonderful) and I are going to take a weekend road trip…somewhere…and replace my once to be wedding date with a much better memory. It’s a brilliant idea.

My adventures in the quest to improve my mental health has been one seriously fucked up roller-coaster. From the first time I was seen by a psychiatrist at sixteen to current times at twenty-nine, I’ve been diagnosed with everything from Depression to Depression with Psychotic Features, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar 1, Bipolar 1 with Psychotic Features and now the new diagnosis my therapist has for me is Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder (basically that means I have schizophrenia along with a mood disorder like bipolar or depression). And the cherry on top is that I might also have OCD. Good god that is a mouthful.

I’m frustrated because while yes, my psychiatrist is treating my symptoms, which is important, I really want to know the name of my demon(s).

Most of the time, like 95% of the time I feel as though my mind is a perpetual Wonderland, a landscape of untamed fantastical wilderness and I am Alice falling down the rabbit hole forever. I wonder where I will end up. I’m not going to lie, but the diagnosis of schizophrenia or somewhere in that spectrum makes a hell of a lot of sense. And I haven’t been the only one to have noticed either. Two of my close friends have confided in me that they suspected this all along. Naturally I am on the fence in regards to how I feel about all this. On one hand I am afraid. Afraid of how people might treat me going forward, whether I could possibly lose my job and all that jazz. But, this fear was smoothed over when my boyfriend told me that he loves me for me, and that a diagnosis, whatever it may be, will not change that. Several of my friends and family members have also told me that this doesn’t change how they feel or relate to me.

I’m smiling right now, I feel safe and accepted. Like I can be myself.

First comes the fear and then comes the understanding. On the flip side I feel like dancing because I finally have a diagnosis that seems to make sense to me. After years of partial revelations, I feel as though my therapist actually hit the nail on the head.

 

Thank you for reading my come back post! I hope to see you all around her more often.